PREVIEW: BONER the Barbarian ONLINE XIII (A LitRPG Satire)

EXCERPT:

He entered the establishment. It was full of racks of armor, halberds, spears, and weapons of every kind. Swords and one-handed axes were on wall displays, kept secure from unwelcome hands by chains on the merchandise. A robed old man had his back turned and was busy with one of the standing displays, a suit of armor. The noisy clanking of Peepee’s entrance got his attention.

Upon seeing him, the old man shouted to somebody at the back of the store.

[Fei Zhu! Pang Ma! Come in here! The brainless guilao is in the store! And he sure looks ugly! No telling what he would do!]

Without the language plug-in, Peepee couldn’t understand what the storekeeper said, but he could tell from the tone and reaction that it wasn’t good. He raised his hands.

“Good morning. I just dropped by to see your wares,” Peepee announced in a calm tone. Far away, a Chap-U quantum server checked the input from Peepee and adjusted its algorithms.

“Ah. An adventurer,” said the old man. “I am Master Fei Lao, owner of this humble establishment.”

Suddenly, two men barged in from the back of the store. Both were covered with sweat, soot, and grime. One was armed with a long sword while the other held a large battleaxe with both hands. Seeing Peepee and the old man talking, they stopped.

[Father! I thought we had a problem!]

[We might have one. This foreign devil looks too ugly to be trustworthy], replied the old man.

[Bah! He’s just ugly and looks like the baker’s horse! He’s no danger. Just look at his armor! A kick from you would be enough! I am going back to my work. He’s a waste of time. His level is beyond laughable.] replied Fei Zhu as he turned back and walked out the way he came. With that comment, the ax-wielding son was gone though the sword-wielding one remained.

While the father and son were discussing his virtues, Peepee looked over the items. The prices and descriptions that floated above each piece as he checked them out were still in Chinese. But the numerals in the holographic display, which he believed to be the price, were understandable enough. The cheapest he could find was listed in the low fifties.

“Excuse me, shopkeeper, are these prices in silver or gold? I can’t understand the descriptions.”

“Ah, the prices are in gold pieces. If silver or copper pieces are included in the price, you would see a second and third number,” explained Fei Lao who attended to the remaining son.

[See how ignorant this foreign devil is? I gave him my titled name and he disrespects me by not using it.]

A nanite neural synapse flashed in a game server. The silent warrior slowly drew his sword in reply.

[Ach! Don’t kill him, he’ll just resurrect here. Let’s humor him and pray to the gods he leaves the establishment soon. He’s touched in the head and I don’t know if it’s a blessing or a curse from the gods.]

“Say, shopkeeper. Do you any quests for me? Catching rabbits? Or similar small animals?” asked Peepee, hoping against hope.

“I am a vegetarian. For quests, our guild has Karage the Dragon Slayer on retainer.”

“Oh.”

A glance at the front ranks of the display by the window shopper revealed prices with numbers and more zeroes in them. The longer Peepee stayed in the store, the glummer he became. Unable to contain the emerging green monster inside him, he abruptly turned and left the store.

[See, Father? Such disrespect! That walking boor didn’t even thank you. I should have sliced him. And diced him every time he comes back to life!] exclaimed Pang Ma. [And you’re not a vegetarian.]

[Just be thankful he’s gone. Adventurers are a strange breed and that one is crazier than all the rest. I better tell the other members of the Merchant Guild.]

The dangerous ramifications of a living and breathing digital world, and in this instance another culture, blissfully escaped Peepee. He was stomping his frustration away as the brute trudged towards the town gate. The barbarian had decided to start walking his way to the border. An impossible task, he admitted, but there was no other option but to do it. As he sauntered through town, Peepee decided to use a side street to get to the road leading to the gate. It was already late afternoon and the curving main avenue seemed endless. He turned into the small alley and passed two men, dressed in the now recognizable robe-styled attire. Different colors and lengths though, Mark noticed. As he passed them, the two stopped and were closing staring at him. The two looked at each other and were talking in a markedly animated manner. Though a bit apprehensive, he paid them no mind and continued on his way.

“HEY! ADVENTURER!”

English!

He turned to face the two.

“YOU KILLED MASTER! YOU DIE!” The two swiftly pulled out large and wickedly-looking knives from their flowing robes and rushed him.

FUCK THIS!

At least it was in English. And Peepee understood it.

-oOo-

https://www.amazon.com/BONER-Barbarian-ONLINE-XIII-DOOFUS-ebook/dp/B07B695M57/ref=pd_ybh_a_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=HXKGHD1NRPQ91Y8PYSFA

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